Sick of Myself

by | Jun 28, 2012

I am in so much trouble. Or maybe just a bit of a bind. I shouldn’t be complaining at all, except it’s the only thing I know how to do at this point.

I don’t know what I want. I can’t figure out what to do with my life. I’m dissatisfied, but I don’t know how or what to change.

Yes, that’s how ridiculous this blog post is going to be. You might as well shut it down right now.

Oh, that poor woman. She’s got a job that doesn’t suck, that pays well. She’s got an education, and on top of that, she’s actually pretty smart. She’s attractive too, especially now that she’s taking better care of herself. And she has a nice place to live, a car, no debt, good friends, enough extra money and spare time to do the things she enjoys. She’s cultured and creative and talented. Oddly enough, she’s got a great smile and a sense of humour to go with it. She’s not stingy with her laugh and is a lot of fun to be around.

Yes, I actually believe all of those things. And the fact that I can believe all of that about myself and still be complaining about my life makes me throw up in my mouth a little. On top of being so awesome, I also make myself sick.

The problem, I think, is that my life has no meaning. I don’t really have any reason to be here. How fucking sad is that? My life is empty, and gee it sure would be nice to be able to fix that, but I DON’T KNOW HOW.

What gives meaning to a person’s life? Where does one find purpose? Am I screwed because I don’t believe in God? Because I don’t want to have kids? Could it be as simple as benefiting others? Of course I want to help people. I mean, in a way, I’ve been helping people my whole life, all of that time spent in the service industry. And I’m not even being sarcastic. I always did (and still do) take customer service pretty seriously. But obviously that’s not enough. So how can I make a difference?

Maybe I just need to find a way to fully be myself. To share my passions with the world. (Did you see that eye roll? I’m pretty good at that too, right?) OH IS THAT ALL?! Well, there’s my problem then. I don’t even really know myself most of the time. It’s like I’m living with a stranger who speaks a foreign language. A roommate that you get along with, but try to stay out of each other’s way. I can’t figure myself out! I don’t know what I want! Do you have any idea how hard that is? I’m not sure what’s worse, knowing what you want and not being able to achieve it, or knowing you could probably achieve what you want, if only you knew WHAT THE FUCK it was. Can you sense my frustration? And it’s all just poor privileged girl whining and I hate that I’m doing it.

Passion. There’s another problem all together. I’m a passionate person. I get excited about a lot of things. But there isn’t anything that really drives me, that I’m drawn towards, and I haven’t found anything that I think I could sustain for the rest of my life (assuming I get to keep working at this for a few more years). And that makes me very sad. Because I want that. I see it in others and I am envious. I want that feeling. And I don’t know where to look and I don’t know how to cultivate it and I don’t even know if I’d recognize it if it bit me in the ass.

You know what would be great? It would be great if I could eventually figure this all out, and then maybe I could help people like me get out of their stuck places. I would do that. Because I’m stuck here now and it really, really sucks, and I’d really appreciate it if someone would help me out. I’m just worried that I’m the only one who can. Because I’ve been trying (albeit only on and off) for a long time. I’m pretty sure I’ve been stuck here for almost 20 years. Ever since I stopped being able to honestly answer the question, “what do you want to be when you grow up?” In fact, it’s been so long, I’m not sure I EVER had an honest answer to that question. Well, other than “I don’t want to grow up!” but that’s a story for another day.