The Canadian Mistress

by | Jun 30, 2012

The biggest mistake she made was forgetting who she is. An adulteress. His mistress. The other woman. A secret.

Don’t get me wrong, these words don’t shame her, they don’t make her feel bad about herself, they’re simply the truth. In fact, part of her likes the shock value of these supposed-to-remain-unspoken names.

She’s not interested in being the wife or the missus or the old lady. Under certain circumstances she might consider accepting the title of girlfriend if a friendship truly exists, and the passionate romantic in her has always been drawn to the term lover. But she’s not his lover, because lovers don’t need to sneak around (although they might, just for the fun of it).

She hasn’t made a mistake by taking on the role of his mistress, on the contrary, she’s quite enjoyed it. There are many things about it that suit her perfectly. And she hasn’t accidentally (or intentionally) screwed up by breaking any of his rules. She might not like them, but she accepts them with a shrug, a sigh and a smile, as a necessary part of playing the game. If she had been smart and set her own boundaries, his rules wouldn’t have been a problem. But she didn’t. It’s not what she does. She’s not always careful, even with her own heart.

She should have seen it coming. Maybe she did. I did, and I think he did too. She got caught up in all of the excitement and intensity and the rush. She started to fall in love. That, in and of itself, wasn’t the problem. If she had stopped for a minute to think about what was happening she would have realized what went wrong. She started to think and feel like she was something other than a mistress. Expectations began to bloom, and expectations are something that a mistress who wants to keep her sanity must never have.

Oops.

But it’s OK now. She’s OK. At least, she seems to be. Back on track with heart and head still intact. And now that she’s come out the other side of this, she wanted to share some thoughts.

How to be a Good Mistress:

  • Cultivate and enjoy your own life.
  • Focus on the here and now. The future is always only a possibility, and it will distract you from what is real and right in front of you.
  • Consider what you are getting out of the relationship. Are you getting what you want/need?
  • Even though you may be surrounded by secrets and lies, make an effort to be honest with yourself and with him.
  • Have fun! If you’re not having a good time (most of the time), what is the point?
  • Jealousy and bitterness are not attractive qualities, but they are likely to rear their ugly heads. If your emotions get out of control, acknowledge them, examine them, and move on.
  • Don’t be afraid of distance. It’s beneficial for regeneration and helps provide perspective.
  • Don’t let other people tell you how to feel. If you feel ashamed by what you are doing, stop doing it.
  • Take care of your own heart and don’t worry too much about his. He can and will take care of himself.
  • Set boundaries. Re-visit them from time to time and make sure they are still appropriate and acceptable.
  • Remember: you are not his mistress. You are your own mistress.