I am full of thoughts. Some are nice, some are mean, many are silly. My thoughts make up a huge part of who I am. They determine how I interact with the world, even though the world never has access to them, except through my filters.

I have always prided myself in being thoughtful towards others. To consider what they might want or like or need and, when I am able, giving that to them.

I’m not very good at gift giving. I’m not even all that good at sharing, but I do like to make others comfortable.

Sometimes that means I put others’ needs before my own. And sometimes that makes me feel good. But there are also the times when I am so concerned with making other people feel better that I forget about what I want or need. And then I feel exhausted and sad.

So it makes sense to spend more time and energy alone and with people who like and want/need similar things to me. Because then it is more likely that I can care for them and myself at the same time or with less effort.

But this can be limiting. I also want to challenge myself. I do believe that it’s a good idea to spend time away from the people and things that are comforting and easy.

I guess, as with everything, there’s a balance and when it tips too far in one direction, all I can do is try to adjust without overcorrecting. It’s important to care. And I want to give. But I also want to make sure that I am OK.

This year I promised myself I would write. No matter how painful it is, I am going to write and post here at least once a week. And here I am, on the final day of the first week of the year with nothing written.

One of the things that keeps me from writing and posting is that I’m afraid that what I have to contribute isn’t valuable. I constantly feel that my ideas, everything I think and say and write, has already been thought and said and written better by someone else, so what’s the point?

I don’t know what to do with that fear. Because in spite of feeling like my words are not unique or original, I still want to share what’s in my heart and my mind.

If the fear and feelings are untrue, then I’m just sabotaging myself, holding myself back. I need to get out of my own way and just write and hit publish.

And if they are true, if I don’t have anything of value to contribute, then maybe I need to find a way to get over it and just write and hit publish anyway. So what if I’m not unique? Who cares if my ideas don’t matter? I won’t be the first person flinging words into the void of the internet and I certainly won’t be the last.

I suspect the solution is to just go for it. Write something. Anything. Make an effort. Be myself. Stop overthinking everything! Oh wait, that is me. This whole angsty and annoying post is so me. Fuck it. I’m posting it anyway.

Practice. This is my practice. I’m not asking for anyone’s attention. No one is paying me for this. I am only accountable to myself. Yes, I want to do a good job. I want to do my best. But doing nothing because my best isn’t perfect, or even all that original, isn’t helping anyone, certainly not me. That attitude has never gotten me anywhere except stuck.

So, here’s to a new year and getting unstuck.

Courage, my word, it didn’t come, it doesn’t matter
Courage, it couldn’t come at a worse time

The Tragically Hip – “Courage”