I’ve been paying extra attention to dandelions over the last few weeks. They are so damn cheerful! I especially love the period in early spring where they are all still yellow, bright pompom pops of sunshine from every green space.

As spring progresses, their growth cycle becomes more apparent: first those bright and cheerful bursts of colour, then the transition to those wispy puffs of white and grey. Who has never blown on a dandelion puff, like a birthday candle, making a wish and helping the seeds spread far and wide?

Compare the ground to the sky above. Bright yellow flowers form dandelion constellations, then become light and wispy floating clouds on a background of brilliant green.

I’ve been admiring them for weeks. And then, on our walk yesterday, I finally wondered how it is that they make that transition from one state to the other. Aldon and I talked about it, picked a few to examine, and mused on it.

When I returned home I visited the oracle of google to uncover more information. I searched for time-lapse dandelion and found this gem:

Which then led me to this delight:

Don’t you just love dandelions?

I love this time of year, the pause between Christmas and the New Year. I’ve been able to enjoy it throughout my life, as a kid, a student, staff at a University, and now that I’m self-employed.

It’s a wonderful time to reflect on the past and imagine the future while enjoying the present.

Of course, not everyone is so fortunate. Many of our “essential workers” are working long hours away from home and family. This time may not feel quite so special for them. My Bee has worked retail most of the time I’ve known him and he always has to work. He was lucky this year though with 24-26 off as well as 31-1: the benefits of stat holidays paired with a bit of luck and scheduling kindness.

Anyway, I’ve been taking it pretty easy. Giving myself some space and time to really consider what I’ve experienced and learned over these past 12 months, and what I’m interested in and curious about for the year to come. What do I want to keep? What do I want to give up? What do I want more/less of?

I’m thankful for this quiet time and space, this peace. I think I want more of that. I know I want more writing (less thinking about writing), more listening, less judging, more music, more creating. More courage, more kindness, more compassion. More love. Always more love.

Since 2012 I’ve kept track of the books I read in Goodreads. I’ve set a reading challenge for myself each year since 2014. Sometimes I reach it, often I don’t. I like the idea of reading a book a week, but after reading 60 books in 2018 & 88 in 2019, I set a 60 book challenge for this year. I’ve read 32.

I simply wasn’t able to sit down and read for most of this year. Since March, I found it incredibly difficult to focus. No surprise there. I’ve missed reading though, and kept returning to read a page or a chapter. I’d try starting something new, I tried audio books, graphic novels, anything to get back into the habit, but it was a slog.

I still don’t feel like I’ve fully recovered my reading mojo, but I did manage to get through a reasonable number of books, one way or another, and I thought it would be good to reflect on some of those here.

Sci-Fi

Network Effect by Martha Wells. Oh Murderbot, you slay me. I ADORE this series. The novellas were so much fun, and this latest full-length novel is incredible. More! More! I just finished this a week or so ago and it was a joy to read. I wanted to pick it up every day and dig in.

Recursion by Blake Crouch. I read this at the beginning of the year, long before COVID hit my radar. I really enjoyed his last book, Dark Matter, and Recursion did not disappoint.

The Expanse novels #4-#8 (plus 2 novellas). I love this series, and after watching the fourth season last winter I knew I had to power through the rest of books this year (the fifth season just dropped)! I spent a lot of time with the crew of the Rocinante in 2020. I read Cibola Burn & Nemesis Games pre-pandemic, but got stuck on Babylon’s Ashes. I ended up switching to the audio book versions to get through it, Persepolis Rising and Tiamat’s Wrath this summer.

Audio Books

I’m blurring lines between categories here, and while technically sci-fi, I think The Consuming Fire & The Last Emperox by John Scalzi get their own category for the simple fact that I was delighted to have Wil Wheaton read these two books to me. I read The Collapsing Empire two years ago and enjoyed it, but Wil’s narration really brought the Interdependency series to life for me.

Memoir

Reading High School by Tegan + Sara and Hunger Makes me a Modern Girl by Carrie Brownstein early this year really cemented my desire to learn to play guitar. And I did. I now rock. Honestly, playing guitar and singing has helped me immensely this year.

Self/Improvement

Consider This by Chuck Palahniuk is interesting, inspiring, helpful and hilarious. I managed to get through it all, but I know will return to it again.

Adventures in Opting Out by Cait Flanders. A Canadian kindred spirit! This book and its hiking-as-metaphor is delightful, made even better with a 5-week online meeting to discuss the book’s sections this fall. It’s a gift to find the others, people out there with similar ideas, desires and challenges, and I am grateful for this book, this year.

Building a Better World in your Backyard by Paul Wheaton. This book is strange and wonderful, packed with some really incredible and useful information. I received a free copy and now I kind of want to share it with everyone. Permaculture! Rocket Mass Heaters!

Poetry

When I first heard about Maria Dahvana Headley’s Beowulf: A New Translation I knew I had to check it out, and it did not disappoint. I tried the audio book and thought it was awful. No, this one begged to be read aloud. I thoroughly enjoyed taking my time with this lyrical beauty. Absolutely delightful. I might suggest it as a lovely gift for your favourite D&D bard…

Graphic Novels

I actually read more graphic novels than I counted in Goodreads this year, but a lot of them were not worth mentioning. I did enjoy some adaptations from novels: Octavia Butler’s Kindred and Parable of the Sower, and Kurt Vonnegut’s Slaughterhouse Five.

On a lighter note, I Hope This Helps: Comics and Cures for 21st Century Panic by Tommy Siegel was super funny.

The book that unlocked my focus and got me back into reading again this fall was The Outsider by Stephen King. Those who know me know what a fan I am, and this book got me back into a regular reading habit. Addictive, in a good way. Thank you Mr. King.

Even though I fell behind this year, I still plan to set a reading goal for 2021. I’ll probably stick with 52 and hope for the best. I’ve got a long list of books I want to get to!

I wanted to make another ukulele Christmas song video this year, but with the pandemic, it’s been really hard to find any holiday spirit.

I remembered the Dolly Parton song “Hard Candy Christmas” from the musical The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas (which I performed in at Walterdale Theare in 2010) and I thought I could learn that to record. A little more sombre, although still hopeful. Perfect for the times.

But then I got inspired. Why not make those simple rhyming lyrics a little more personal and really embrace the full pandemic holiday experience?

Hard COVID Christmas

(alternate lyrics by Marsha Amanova)

Hey, maybe I’ll knit a sock
Maybe I’ll take a walk
Maybe I’ll meditate
Maybe we’ll stay up late bingeing TV
Me and Aldon Bee
Maybe I’ll try to read
Maybe we’ll smoke some weed
Maybe I’ll make some tea
Maybe we’ll role play D&D online
We will be just

Fine and dandy
Lord this is a hard COVID Christmas
I’m barely getting through tomorrow
But still I won’t let
Sorrow bring me way down
I’ll be fine and dandy
Lord this is a hard COVID Christmas
I’m barely getting through tomorrow
But still I won’t let
Sorrow bring me way down

Hey, maybe I’ll bake some bread
Maybe I’ll shave my head
Maybe I’ll write a poem
Maybe I’ll stay at home and sing this song
Me, I’ll carry on
Maybe I’ll get on zoom
Maybe I’ll scroll some doom
Maybe I’ll play guitar
Maybe I’ll be a star in my own mind
Me, I’ll be just

Fine and dandy
Lord this is a hard COVID Christmas
I’m barely getting through tomorrow
But still I won’t let
Sorrow bring me way down
I’ll be fine and dandy
Lord this is a hard COVID Christmas
I’m barely getting through tomorrow
But still I won’t let
Sorrow bring me way down

‘Cause I’ll be fine
I’ll be fine
I’ll have a glass of wine
And I’ll be fine

I may not participate in most of the so-called social mediums, but that doesn’t meant that I don’t spend time doing silly things online.

One of my recent faves is https://frij.io/

Each day a new set of words is presented, displayed as a virtual fridge magnet poetry set. You drag and drop a set number of words and then post it to the public board. You can scroll through what others have posted and vote for your favourites.

I think what I enjoy so much about it is that it is a creative exercise with a specific task and built-in restrictions. The objective is simple: create a short collection of words from this word list.

So, maybe I could make this work for me in a broader sense. Could I set up other practices or exercises with specific guidelines?

I find it difficult to write every day when I’m not sure what to write about. Writing prompts might work. Something to consider, certainly.

All signs are pointing me to: write more. Focus on quantity. Show up. Show up even when weary, lost, confused and fearful. But show up and write. Something, anything.

Don’t stop making an effort towards quality, but get over it. There’s no judge here except the one in my head. I want to get out of my own way, stop holding myself back and ignore this fear I feel that I know isn’t real.

Thank you AK & SG for the (latest) kick in the pants.

Don’t worry about the best method, layout or location. Just start right now, and then do it again. Keep going. Stop thinking about it and get it out. I know I won’t get better unless I practice (and the opposite is also true: I will get better with practice), and I know I can’t overcome the resistance by thinking about it. Action is the answer. I don’t know a lot, but I know this. So, I must start putting myself on the hook and stop accepting the excuses.

Ugh, so much self talk and encouragement seems to be required to get me here, but here I am. Again.

This is our second spring in our little rental house in Sackville, NB.

And I recall witnessing and being delighted by the same dandelion last year.

This intrepid little fucker has pushed out the side of our driveway by the chimney. Delightful.

View this post on Instagram

First flowers

A post shared by Marsha (@amanova) on Apr 8, 2020 at 10:59am PDT

I’m trying not to let the anxiety take over. Like many people (most?) I’m not really sure what to do. So, I’m doing what I can and staying home. As I’ve said jokingly to my friends, self-isolation and social distancing are totally in my wheelhouse!

I don’t feel like I have much of my own to add to the larger conversations happening all around me right now, but I do think that it could be useful to share some things that I have found valuable.

Click to read: Fear can be useful

Mark Manson’s Motherf*cking Monday email newsletter is generally pretty awesome. This week’s message was compelling, and he linked to a couple of excellent articles as well.

Click to read: Thoughts on Coronavirus

I don’t know who this Bobby Hundreds guy is, but he’s got some good thoughts and has put them into some good words. This article was linked from another newsletter I subscribe to, and the author went so far as to say “If they write a book about this time in history, what you’re about to read will be the foreword.” I’m not sure I’m willing to take such a stance (there are many artists out there, putting beautiful thoughts into beautiful words and sharing them), but it’s well worth a few minutes of your time.

My parents, who are wintering in Brownsville, Texas, are packing up and driving home this week. I’m relieved. They’ve been down there since January, and were supposed to stay another month, but…

Even though I won’t be able to get together with (or hug!) them for a couple of weeks after their return, I’ll be very glad to know they are back home.

It’s time to slow down, take measure and figure out what is truly important to you.

If you can, please stay home. If you can’t stay home, keep your distance from others. Not for your sake or for theirs, but for everyone’s.

While physical distance is necessary, emotional distance is not. It’s needed more than ever. Be kind. Be patient. Reach out. We have so many tools to stay connected. Find new and interesting ways to use them. Do what you can.

Love.

Hello, March. I’m well.

I failed at posting every day in February, but I learned a lot from trying. Now to see if I can implement that learning!

In the meantime, I freaking love this:

O, swear not by the moon, th’ inconstant moon,
That monthly changes in her circle orb,
Lest that thy love prove likewise variable.

William Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet

Like the moon, I am inconstant.

I like to think that I’m pretty good at doing what I say I will do, being where I say I will be at the time I say I will be there. I am generally true to my word and honour my commitments.

I’ve learned to do this by only committing to what I am confident I will pursue/achieve.

But I feel like I am not always able to consistently show up for myself. It can be difficult to always do the things I decided I would do, make the changes I think I want to make. Is it because I am only accountable to myself? Or that I expect too much?

I do think I am getting better at this. My method is to be more specific in defining what I want and how I plan to do it.

Mindfulness and self-reflection are amazing tools. But it’s still difficult work.

Our wood stove is not playing nice. The pipe is clogged and it’s not drawing properly. Landlords have been notified and it will probably get cleaned out early next week.

The weather has improved today and it’s back above zero, but yesterday it was bloody cold so we did our best to have a fire, unfortunately it left the house rather smoky.

I made banana muffins this morning. Partly because, well, who doesn’t want yummy muffins, but also to try to cover up the smoky stench in the house. I thought it worked, but I just got home from a walk and it just smells like smoky bananas!

🔥🍌

dil·et·tante
noun

1. a person who cultivates an area of interest, such as the arts, without real commitment or knowledge.
2. a person who takes up an art, activity, or subject merely for amusement, especially in a desultory or superficial way; dabbler.
3. a lover of an art or science, especially of a fine art.

Most often used as an insult, but what’s wrong with being an amateur? A dabbler? An UNprofessional?

Nothing. Not a damn thing.

I often think about my relationship to time. I do not like to be too busy. I like to have a lot of freedom and open space in my days. I like to follow my whims. I enjoy just sitting. Thinking or basking in a sunbeam or watching the steam curl up from my cup of coffee or tea. Gazing into the fire, reading a few lines of a book. Trying to form thoughts into words.

I can’t make time, but I can take it. I can make space and then simply be in it.

This is one of the few areas of control I have over my life and I relish having the ability to do so very little with it.

We watch a lot of tv. Too much? Perhaps.

Two shows we’ve been enjoying lately:

Picard & The World According to Jeff Goldblum.

I typically like the Star Trek shows. Even when they’re not very good, they’re still pretty good. I didn’t even watch much TNG when it was out, other than the occasional random episode, but I would probably enjoy watching Patrick Stewart in anything. My favourite thing about this show is how fallible and human J-L is.

Jeff Goldblum is also a delight. He’s so damn… himself.

I/we don’t really do Valentine’s Day. There’s not much point when you celebrate your love every day. Yes, I know. Puke.

Five or six years ago, in the early days of love, a friend put out a request for “little love poems.” He thought he might publish a collection.

So I challenged myself. I submitted ten tiny poems.

Nothing came of the project, and I stumbled across them this week. How fortuitous!

Here are three of my favourites:

Every time I toss my keys down to you 
from my balcony
I feel like your Juliet. 
Except we know how to live. 

Remember when I learned morse code so I could tap secrets on your skin?
•• / •-•• --- •••-• • / -•-- --- --•

You are my summer storm.
When darkness falls you
come on hot and heavy
   thrill me
          drench me
                 leave me shiny
 then rumble off into the distance.
 I am made new by you.

This is the second February we have been in our lovely little rental house in Sackville, NB. But prior to this, the shortest of months has provided plenty of excitement!

6 years ago – February 2014

I met my love in February 2014, while working on Noel Coward’s Blithe Spirit at Walterdale Theatre. Directed by my (now) dear friend CK, it was a collective of amazing people working together on something magical. Ruth Condomine was one of my all time favourite roles.

CK knew Bee through work, and hounded him to take on Sound Direction for the play. If he didn’t, who knows if we ever would have crossed paths? Sadly, I have no photos of the two of us that year as we were “just friends.”

5 years ago – February 2015

I skipped the trip south to visit my folks for Christmas 2014 in order to spend the holidays with Bee and his family in Alberta. So to make up for it, I travelled to Texas in February for a week. It was a nice break from the long winter, but I missed my love.

4 years ago – February 2016

Our 5 month European adventure was coming to an end, and we spent most of February in Athens, Greece. Bee’s brother came to stay with us for a week and it was an awesome end to an amazing adventure.

3 years ago – February 2017

Spending the previous winter in the mediterranean left us less than enthused to face the frigid temperatures in Alberta, so we splurged on a break and headed to Havana, Cuba with our friend LB.

2 years ago – February 2018

We were staying at my folks’ place while they went south. Our original plan for moving out here was not working out, we had no jobs or prospects, and we were basically holed up together just trying to figure out what to do next! We always figure it out ❤️

It got me. I have succumbed. The dreaded cold. It’s mostly in my head (sniffle, cough), but my body is protesting too. I got the “must-dos” tackled and now it’s tea, soup and sleep for me. I’m really hoping if I rest hard I’ll feel better tomorrow.

Someone from Walterdale Theatre once told me, “every performance is an audition for your next show.”

It’s always stuck with me. It’s simple and obvious and maybe that makes it feel profound.

I don’t remember who said it; I know that I’ve repeated it to others. Perhaps it’s one of those self-propagating truisms that doesn’t really need attribution, but it feels right to credit the wonderful Walterdale Community.

Well, today I have evidence of the truth that I always believed it to be.

I received an email from a woman I’ve never met who saw the railroad show I did in the fall. She said she really enjoyed my performance and reached out to one of my fellow cast members for my contact information to inquire whether I might be interested in taking on a role in the one-act play she has written for the new works festival this summer.

Do your best in all things. You never know who might be watching!

I’ve got to get out of the house more often!

Between winter weather, Bee commuting in the car and me working from home, I really need to start finding some compelling reasons to go outside and get some fresh air.