Holy shit, I knit a sweater!

It’s not that I didn’t think I could, more like I didn’t think I would.

There are two things about knitting sweaters that’s not appealing to me. And they both have to do with size.

One is that a sweater is a big project that uses quite a lot of yarn, and yarn is expensive! If you want a nice sweater you need to use nice yarn, and I’m pretty frugal. So, when I saw all these balls of lovely orange yarn at the thrift store I was pretty excited by the prospect of knitting a sweater for under $5.

The second reason I don’t like to knit sweaters is because I find it difficult to knit things to size, and a sweater isn’t any good if it doesn’t fit. I feel like I can measure all I want and I’m still not guaranteed to get something that I like that actually looks good. I have an irregular body shape, and I don’t like to fuss much, so finding a pattern and knitting an actual garment is pretty intimidating.

Well, I did it. I finished it today, and it’s… just OK. I mean it does fit. I don’t hate it, I just… I don’t think I’m going to be making another sweater anytime soon.

I guess I’ll just be sticking to hats and mittens, scarves and shawls, socks and slippers.

At least I tried!

Today we played the final session of an awesome D&D campaign, hosted by our friend. It was her first time as Dungeon/Game Master and she did a fantastic job.

From the handwritten invitations (delivered to our door!) to introduce the campaign, to creating/finding tokens to represent items in the game, her stellar hand-drawn maps, background music and snacks may have spoiled us.

Actually, she did such a great job it almost makes me want to run a campaign myself (almost).

It’s always sad to say goodbye (for now) to a character. I really enjoyed playing Madista Vendamon, and had so much fun with my real life D&D friends and their characters. Maybe I’ll see if I can write up a narrative from the notes I took during our sessions.

I’ve been to a few open mics, but I’ve never performed at one before. Tonight is going to be my debut!

I got my little ukulele about a year ago and I am just now finally ready to get up on a (small) stage and play and sing in front of strangers.

I’m really worried that I’m going to get that nervous heart pounding, knees shaking thing that always happens when I stand up in front of people to sing. It’s not the same when I’m acting on stage. Sure, I get nervous, but my body doesn’t usually betray me like it does when I get up to sing.

I did a LOT of karaoke in my 20s and 30s. We used to go out to drink and sing almost every Thursday night in University. And I had serious relationships with not one, but two karaoke hosts. And even thought I did it often, there was something about getting up to sing that first song that made my heart pound and my legs shake. It was almost comical!

And yes, the alcohol definitely helped, and I know I can sing with a few drinks under my belt, but I’ve never had to worry about playing an instrument AND remembering the words while singing, so I don’t want too much liquid courage.

It’s been a long time since karaoke. I think the last karaoke I did was with the Nervous Flirts (karaoke with a live band!) a few years ago when Bee was their host. Which, now that I think of it, technically makes him the third host I’ve loved. What’s up with that?!

Anyway, so I’m facing my fear and worries and I’m just going to do it. It’s time. I’ve practiced. I’m good enough. I think it will be fun and exhilarating once I get over the terror.

I let you know how it goes tomorrow.

P.S. One of my super talented photographer friends took this photo in the summer of 2005. I can’t remember if it was Wade or Raffaella!

Sometimes it seems to me that you can’t throw a rock without hitting a Coach.

Personal coach, Life coach, career coach, whatever, you know what I’m talking about. For some reason people are willing to trust that anyone who has gone out and achieved something for themselves can teach them how to do it.

Sure, charisma goes a long way here too, and the field is full of outgoing, well spoken, intelligent and attractive people, which makes sense because these folks are already at an advantage for traditional success.

I know it may sounds like I’m complaining, but I’m mostly just observing. Maybe complaining a bit.

I don’t have a problem with someone choosing to pay another person to help them get better at something. It’s your time and money, spend it how you choose.

And I don’t even have a problem with self-proclaimed “experts” declaring themselves coaches in order to sell their brand of advice.

Maybe I’m just a DIYer at heart. Or stubborn?

Either way, I’ve been looking around at other people my whole life, trying to figure it out. And I’m pretty sure no one really knows.

So I’m just going to keep fumbling around, trying out new things until something clicks. Or doesn’t. I have this suspicion that the secret might be hidden in the trying, the experimentation, the testing, wondering, wandering.

And no, that is not meant as advice.

January is over! It was a tough one. I don’t like winter very much.

I woke up on the first of the month and got it into my head that I would challenge myself to abstain from alcohol for the entire month.

To be honest, I haven’t gone that long without a drink since… well, probably since I was 18.

And I did it! It wasn’t too difficult, but I stuck to it, and I’m planning to celebrate with Bailey’s in my coffee this morning.

I hoped that I would learn something from this experiment, but I’m not sure I have. I guess I figured out that I am perfectly capable of going without alcohol, but I also learned that I really do enjoy having a drink or two in the evenings. And it definitely helps me navigate social situations.

I was also a bit more of a hermit in January than I usually am, but that may have had more to do with the winter blues than the lack of booze, but who knows, maybe they are intertwined.

I also decided that since I was removing something from my life every day, that I would also try adding something daily. I signed up for Yoga With Adriene’s 30-day yoga challenge HOME and I loved it! So much so that I’m planning to keep going with her free monthly yoga calendar.

I already had a routine of morning yoga-ish stretches, but landing on the mat each morning in January with a dedicated video gave me an intention that I didn’t have before, and I look forward to continuing that practice.

I recently attended MAKER MAKER, “a monthly program of seriously small, after-hours art workshops” hosted by the Owens Art Gallery at Mount Allison University.

This month was DIY buttons and it was so much fun! My friend and I each made 3 buttons and I honestly felt like I could make hundreds.

These tiny visual statements are delightful. Wearable, transferable art!

I’ll definitely be watching for more MAKER MAKER workshops!

The camera on my iPhone 5s no longer takes good photos. But I cannot bring myself to replace my phone because of the camera, even though that’s one of its best features. So, bad pics I guess!

A thought:

Making art only for yourself is a selfish act. Not that there’s anything wrong with that! But if you keep it to yourself, if you never share it with anyone, it’s sort of masturbatory (again, nothing wrong with a little of that)! 😉

Which isn’t to say that you have to make your art for everyone. You don’t need to share it with the whole world. But you can if you want. I kind of like the idea of an art slut.

And if you only make art for money, well, I guess that makes you an art whore. Again, nothing wrong with that, if that’s what you choose, but there it is. Is there room for a bit of free love/art as well?

My question is: what change do you want to make in the world? For whom? Make your art for them, for that. Put your love into it. Be vulnerable, honest and as whole hearted as possible. That’s where the magic is.

And it’s OK to just make art for yourself sometimes. You deserve that love. And it’s OK to make art for money, you deserve that too!

Just something that occurred to me last night before bed.

Photo by Marsha Amanova in Barcelona, October 26, 2015

There’s something about the end of the year that gets me thinking about the past, planning for the future and trying to enjoy the present.

This year, I collected memories and photos from the past 12 months and made a Christmas letter, harkening back to the updates people used to send in their annual holiday greeting cards, updating friends and family with the big and small events of the year.

I used to love reading these, and I even created a few of my own back in the day. But those were different times.

The ubiquity of social media means that many families share their events as they are happening. As long as you are “friends” or subscribed to their updates, their news is fed to you in a steady stream.

I’ve had to opt out of this steady stream of information. It was too much for me to handle. But it doesn’t mean I don’t care about the people in my life who I don’t get to see or speak to regularly. And so, this year I made an attempt to reach out, say hello, let people know I’m thinking of them and share some of my news.

It was also a great exercise for me to go over the events of the past twelve months, review the photos I took (not nearly enough!), and think about what I wanted to share.

Which has led to me wanting to write more and make more things. Not just so that I can share them, but so I become more aware of my life, and of the ideas and events that are shaping me. And to increase my creative output on a regular basis.

This year I got to spend Mother’s Day with one of my best friends. Um, no, I don’t mean my own mother. But don’t worry, I did spend Saturday with my mom and we had a lovely day-before-Mother’s-Day (my mom is awesome, for the record). But I wanted to visit my friend, who is celebrating her very first mother’s day as a mom.

The baby was born in late January and is almost four months old. In addition to spending time with my friend and her partner, I also wanted to meet their daughter! I mean, she’s a baby, so not all that interesting, especially to someone like me who doesn’t have much interest in babies, but still. It’s nice to see this new tiny human, and I’m looking forward to seeing her grow and change and develop into a person.

I’m not a mom. I have no desire to be a mom. And I know that I will never know or understand what it’s like to be a mom. And I am absolutely fine with that. There are other things I get to experience. Say, for example, hopping on a plane and travelling to Ottawa to hang out with my friend and share in the joy and exhaustion that is her new life.

This is a quick visit to our capital city and I don’t expect to experience all that much. I’m here to be a friend and hang out. Yesterday was a nice day and we walked around Byward Market & Downtown. The tulips started to open for Mother’s Day. It was shocking to see the state of the flooding from the Ottawa River. I don’t follow the news so hadn’t seen any footage.

It’s going to be a quiet trip with lots of baby naps, and I’ll try to stay out of the way and help out as much as I can. It’s obvious that my friends are a bit sleep deprived and baby-crazed, but it’s so nice to be able to be here and spend some time with them at this phase.

And then I get to go home to my love, our quiet adults only home and keep living our wonderful life.

It’s hard to be grateful in times of crisis. And make no mistake, we are in the midst of an environmental crisis. We have been for a long time, and denying the existence of something real won’t make it go away.

Earth Day is supposed to be a celebration in support of environmental protection. So let’s celebrate. But then we need to go back to doing the difficult work of actually protecting the environment.

The only way to alleviate the impact of climate change is with culture change. And culture is hard to change. It starts small and grows. It’s happening right now, all around us, but it’s slow. How can we speed it up? When it seems like we take one step forward then two steps back (I found last week’s Alberta election results particularly disheartening), how do we keep moving forward?

But today I will celebrate and express my gratitude for the earth, our home, without which humanity cannot exist. It is a privilege to breathe this air, to grow this food, to drink this water. It’s amazing that the earth provides everything we need to survive. Because the planet doesn’t need people. We need it. And if we don’t figure out how to clean up our mess, we are going to lose our privileges.

Let 2019 be known as the year I started a business.

And let me say upfront, I probably have no business starting a business. I am not a business person. And since my “business” is really just me, I should probably just say that this is the year I became self-employed.

I’ll admit that I have no idea what I’m doing. But, you know what? That’s OK. I suspect that most people have no idea what they’re doing most of the time.

What I do know is why I’m doing this. And I think that might be the important part.

Set Sail

So I started this business thing and I decided to call it Rising Tide. A sort of homage to the Bay of Fundy, home to the highest tides in the world. The ebb and flow of the tides here is phenomenal and I want to evoke that powerful feeling.

I’m also trying to bring to mind the fairly well-known aphorism “a rising tide lifts all boats.” I love the succinct simplicity of this general truth and I think it resonates with people in this region.

The idea of the rising tide that lifts all boats is an economic one, popularized by JFK in the 60s, implying that an improvement in the economy will benefit all participants. It’s idealistic and simplistic and perhaps it doesn’t hold much water these days (pun intended), but I’m an idealist and I like simple, and I believe it can still be effective.

The internet presence of small business in the maritimes is pretty abysmal. A lot of businesses here don’t have a website. Many who do have one don’t know how to update it. I can help with this, I want to help with this, and that’s why I started Rising Tide.

Anchors Aweigh

But again, I’m not much of a business person. I just want to help. So I am going to try to do that this year, in my own way.

This is not one of those succeed or die situations. I’m very fortunate that at this stage of my life I have the freedom to try something new. This is an experiment. I want to find out if I can do this in a way that supports the life I want to live. I want to figure out a way to help others while staying true to my own values. I’m giving it a year to see how it goes.

I’m determined to work hard at this new venture, but I don’t want it to take over my life, so I still plan to be present here, creating and struggling and sharing the rest of my life. I have a website for my business, and this is not it. This is for everything else. But I felt like I should share this big project that I have been working on. It’s all related.

So, here’s to trying something new. I have so much to learn and that excites me. I know it’s going to be really difficult, but I’m hoping that the challenges are surmountable and lead to new and exciting things that I can’t even imagine right now.

Allons-y!

You* can’t play if you don’t show up. And you won’t get better if you don’t practice.

First: show up. Be there. Commit. I will show up every week. Make it a habit. Make it obvious. Make it easy.

Log in. Write a few words. Are they dumb? Who cares. You did it. You attended.

You can’t depend on inspiration. You can’t rely on your mood. These things don’t always show up. But you can.

Be dependable. Be reliable. Be accountable. To yourself.

You will feel better. You will get better. You will be better.

But don’t get ahead of yourself. Don’t expect to be better than you are and risk not showing up because you are afraid you’re not good enough.

You might not be good enough. That doesn’t matter.

What matters is showing up and trying to make/do/be good. That’s enough.

Show up. Work hard. Accept what you make and let it go.

Do it again next week. And the week after. Keep showing up. Keep doing it.

Keep playing.

*In case it isn’t obvious. You = Me

One of the main activities that users engage in on Facebook is wishing people on their friends’ list a “Happy Birthday.”

It’s often cited as an actual reason not to quit the beast. “But I wouldn’t know when my friends’ birthdays are.” That’s silly, right?

I know I’m not the only one who believes that the greatest trick Facebook ever pulled was convincing the world it was necessary.

Calendars: made for dates

I believe in using the best tool for the job, and a calendar is an excellent tool to remind us of important dates. It’s a fairly simple task to set up an annual calendar event on the date your friend or loved one came into existence. In fact, you can even import/export your contacts’ birthdays from Facebook. If you’re truly a person who cares about birthdays, this is a much more effective way to keep track.

There’s no need to login to FB every day just to make sure you don’t miss a birthday. Does it really matter if today is the day that woman you met at a conference 3 years ago turns 50? Do you really care if your boss from the summer job you had in high school is one year older today? And if you do care, isn’t there something better you can do to show it?

Facebook birthday wishes are lazy. They feel superficial. They’re too easy and too abundant and that makes them less valuable.

Birthdays without Facebook

But I’m over here, writing from the other side of the chasm. I just celebrated my second birthday post-Facebook and I did not get a lot of birthday wishes. That’s OK. I’m a grown-up (sort of). I didn’t expect them, I don’t need them and I’m not disappointed. I had a great birthday!

Do you know who wished me an unprompted “Happy Birthday?” Mostly people whose birthdays are in my calendar. I remember their birthday and they remember mine.

My alma mater put out a request for Alumni to handwrite some encouraging postcards that can then be given to students throughout the school year. This I can do. I don’t have money to donate, but words? I’ve got a few of those to spread around.

Of course, as with all advice given, this is mostly stuff that I would have liked to hear (maybe still want to hear)!

We are conditioned to seek out comfort, but that won’t get you anywhere in life. Push your boundaries, do something that’s out of your comfort zone, take small risks and try something that scares you. Be brave, be bold, be YOU.

One of the most important things you will learn at University is how to learn, and how you learn. Yes, it’s work, but it’s the best work you can get. Dedicate yourself to lifelong learning, change and growth. Keep an open mind, be prepared to change it and your life will always be interesting.

Take care of yourself. Your body, mind and spirit! You need sleep, healthy food and plenty of water, sunshine, fresh air and exercise to achieve your potential. Yes, studying is important, but so is socialization. Try to find balance and enjoy the process.

I hope you know how special you are. Everyone is born with certain gifts and talents, and my wish is for you to discover yours and share them with the world. It’s not always easy to appreciate or recognize our inherent talents, especially when they’re not valued by those close to us. But if you can work with what you have instead of against it, you can have a huge impact.

When things feel difficult, close your eyes, take a deep breath and remember:
You are awesome.
You will get through this.
Then, take another deep breath. And another. Until you start to believe.
Smile secretly to yourself.
You got this. Now keep going!

Expand your horizons! Get to know people outside of your classes/department/faculty. You’ll likely spend most of your career surrounded by people with similar interests, so take advantage of the opportunity of being surrounded by people studying things you know nothing about. Ask them about their work. What are they are passionate about? Broaden your perception and get the most out of your community.

Find ways to be creative every day. Creativity does not belong to the arts. It’s a human thing. Science, Math, Engineering, Phys Ed, all fields require creative minds to solve problems, grow and improve. So make something. Imagine. Create.

Looking back, what did you need to hear when you were younger? Would you have listened?