This is Crazy

by | May 23, 2012

This post was imported from an old blog I used to have.

I am a strong, intelligent woman. And yet, I have this tendency to be a bit boy crazy.

I recently felt the need to cool things off with a guy I was pretty into. We had known each other for a while, but had only been on a couple of dates. What I wanted to tell him was,

So… I don’t think I can see you anymore since I’ve fallen head over heels for this other guy I just met who lives with his girlfriend in a different city, and who I’m pretty sure feels the same way about me, but we aren’t going to see each other until July so who knows what’s going to happen, but I wouldn’t feel right not telling you about it, and even though I think you’re really sweet and yes I’m attracted to you, you just don’t really compare to this other guy who I can’t have. Can we be friends?

I mean, that’s the truth. But that’s not what I said. What I actually said was more along the lines of,

I really like you, and yes, I’m attracted to you, but the problem is that I really think I need to focus on me right now. And if we keep going along this trajectory I know what’s going to happen: I’m going to put all of my energy into you. Into learning about you and thinking about you and wanting to spend time with you. Because that’s what I do when I’m into someone. I know it sounds selfish, but I really just need to put that energy back into me. I’ve told you about my recent slap-in-the-face discovery that I need to refocus my energies and reevaluate my life and I don’t know if I can do that while starting something with you. And you know that I recently ended a medium-serious relationship and the last thing I need to do right now is jump headfirst into another one. Can we be friends?

A pretty different story, and yet, still true. I just saved myself the discomfort of having to explain the out-of-town impossible guy that I fell for in 3 short nights to a guy who I had just started dating.

And he was really cool and understanding about it. And I’d like to think that we are friends, even though I still haven’t told him about the other guy. The one I can’t stop thinking about. The one I’ve been putting all of my energy into. The one I want to spend all of my time with. Woah.

So. Time for a reality check. I am OK with the fact that I’ve totally fallen for someone situationally inappropriate, and with the fact that it’s pretty much an impossible situation right now. I’m thriving on all of the energy and anticipation and the excitement of the many optimistic imaginary outcomes that I have been able to dream up. But, I need to remember to breathe. I need to remember to be me. I’m much happier and far more interesting when I’ve got my own things going on.

There’s a fine line between enthusiasm & passion and addiction & obsession. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t want to stop feeling this way. I don’t want to let go of any of my wanting, desiring, intense feelings; I just don’t want to go over the edge into scary, needy, craziness.

I’m just going to keep it awesome. And keep having fun. And keep singing this song: